The past year was a pretty ‘ok’ year for me. I learned a lot and overcame a lot. I also cried and panicked and found myself alone in a few situations, but I feel that was for the better. In the end I found myself and learned who I am, or at least I am at the start of discovering who I truly am and what I want from life.
In 2019 I started off the year a little confused. I did not know what I wanted to do in my career. I was unsure if I am content living in the current employment I am in or if I wanted to do something else, transfer jobs, be a stay-at-home mom again. I was unsure about if I wanted to pursue an education to start my path on becoming a Psychologist. I was a little unstable and questioned my relationships. I wasn’t sad or depressed or anything but my head was full of questions and I was in need of answers to align my thoughts and get my life in order.
I have always been the type of person to push to keep people in my life. I can’t handle when my loved ones leave my life without any reason or explanation. I need to know why someone wants out of my life, as I always blame myself and think the worst of things. In 2019 I learned to stop that mindset and love myself and care more about my own mental health than to always worry about what others think of me or why they are no longer in my life. My head space cleared up tremendously, and by the end of the year I could actually clear my head for a few minutes at a time. I could just have a blank mind instead of crowded noise an thoughts constantly flowing. I don’t even remember the last time I had a completely clear head, maybe when I was 10 (those who have been diagnosed with anxiety know what I mean.) It’s a huge accomplishment for me. I can now experience a calm state.
My husband and I grew together more in 2019 as well. We learned to communicate better and understand eachother’s love language. We also learned to understand eachother’s personal language, and what I mean by that is the way certain things are said, certain movements, certain answers to questions, eye shape and reflection, etc.. You may think it sounds weird but it is actually a thing and has helped me understand my husband so much more than before. I started paying attention and our relationship went from feeling dull and like a routine to feeling like the honeymoon stage again. Every day feels like a new adventure together. He still gets on my nerves and we still bicker, but what couple doesn’t? But, I truly feel like I met him all over again but in a new light. It’s also helped me open my eyes to other people as well, and their own languages, which has helped me understand my loved ones better. It truly was an eye opening year.
2019 was the first year I completely stepped out of my shell. I found confidence. Instead of avoiding people or places because I was embarassed or shy, I started going for things without thinking twice which has allowed me to get in the gym and work towards my weight loss goals (Watch out for my weight loss journey coming sooooon.) I found happiness within myself and learned to love myself more than ever. My outlook on life was less worrying and more determination. If I want something I am going to work to achieve it. No more being lazy, it’s time to put in work!
I had some many fun memories in 2019 and got to hang out with many family and friends. Hearts were mended where they could be and bandaged with love and care where it was unfixable at the time. There were even times I had to comfort myself because I was the only person who could get me out of the hole I was in, not because nobody else cared, but because it was what I needed to do on my own in order to grow and stop being dependent on others for my emotions. I had a horrible habit of contantly depending on others to “make me feel better” or “get me out of a funk” but that is no one’s responsibility but my own and now I know!
I now have a plan to obtain the life I want and to reach my career goals. My writing is a hobby I intend to keep at, but as for a career I do plan on becoming a Psychologist, and before 2020 is over I will have started my journey in achieving those goals. It’s a long road but it is my passion and I am determined to make it happen so that I can be the person, to someone else, that I needed my psychologists to be for me when I was younger and lost in pain. I plan to self publish and see where that takes me and I am hopeful to have a book in the making by the end of 2020. I also have a few plans coming in regards to my employment but that is all in good time, and in the long run it will be a great thing for my family, more so for my kids.
Thank you 2019 for all that you have taught me. Thank the lord, Jesus Christ, for helping me through the times I called on Him. Thank you to everyone else who has been a part of my journey in 2019. I am forever grateful for the knowledge and perspective I gained last year.
Let’s see what you have in store for me.
I’m ready for the future to begin!